I am binge-Dieting between meals.
Anything is a boomerang if you throw it straight up.
I have like 26 photos of my entire childhood. Most of you probably have that many selfies from this morning.
People keep telling me to become a stand up comedian and I’m like “Ugh, standing.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Lilliam: You always like to run things.
Me: Well, I’m a natural leader.
Lilliam: Sorry, typo. I meant “ruin things.”
If you haven’t tried to use your tv remote on your child, are you really a parent?
[falling down the stairs] WOW this is so much faster.
There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”
Yeah yeah yeah, it may be National Running Day, but it’s also National Chocolate Ice Cream Day for those of us who have our priorities straight.