You could kidnap my wife, and she’d be in the trunk of your car shouting that you’re following the car in front of you too closely.
I always like to find the humor in things, for example, my Social Security check!!
I keep messing up my diet with my desire for real food.
Cats…Because you can never have enough rejection in your life. Dogs… When you have had enough rejection.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but experience says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I went to the hospital for a stress test. They hooked me up to the machine and made me watch Lilliam parallel park my car.
A wise man once said… Nothing, he only listened.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“You want to eat these tiny fish eggs with me?”
“What if we called it caviar and charged you $150 for 1/8 of a pound?”
Wow yes yes!
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”