If you drink whiskey before you walk your dog it feels like she’s helping you solve a crime.
Lilliam: I want to be able to think like a man.
[5 min later]
Genie: So what do you think so far?
Lilliam: About what?
You’re officially an adult when you become more than half of all the things you made fun of in your youth.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
When I was a kid I thought 70 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Nobody warned me that being in my 70’s would involve this much ibuprofen.
Stop at two is the best advice for having kids and having drinks.
I can see it now.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Lilliam: Is that what you’re going to wear?
According to WebMD, I need a therapist.
According to Twitter, I’m perfectly normal.
A vice is a mistake that you’ve decided you enjoy making.