I have decided to start wearing my glasses to bed. I think it may help me see my dreams more clearly.
Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here
Top Three Things Necessary For Work / Life Balance:
1. A life
Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don’t want to do and it’ll speed right up.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
No man has ever won a game of ‘notice anything different about me?’
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Lilliam: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
If you want to know how I rate in our household, Lilliam has one term of endearment for me and 74 for Koki, our dog.