Olivia Gives Mom Some Exercise
May 2nd, 2007 by Don Ray
I just finished reading the latest entry in my daughter’s blog. This is one of the ways I keep up with what is happing back in Texas that I am missing out on.
After I made it to the end of her latest entry, and picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard, I decided to share some of her writing with you.
While I didn’t write what you are going to read, I can take some credit for producing the author. This is the subject Olivia holding her new brother Carson.
Here is my daughter’s latest message from her blog.
Now that my youngest child is 4 weeks old, I’ve come to the realization that I can no longer use “recent” childbirth as an excuse for sitting on the sofa all day watching yet another irresponsible teenage boy hear, “And the results are in…with a 99.9% accuracy…you ARE/ARE NOT (alternate as needed) the father.” No, my days of whining, “but I JUST had a baby…” are over! It’s time for me to put down the remote, get off my butt and do something to get these last 8 pounds off. But what? Yes, my husband’s boss pays for us to each have full memberships to Lifetime Fitness. Yes, it is one of Austin’s most exclusive clubs. OK, yes it’s true that I haven’t been since my first bout of morning sickness way back in July. I’m just not ready to venture out more than a mile from our house just yet…after all, I JUST had a baby!
So yesterday I turned down the volume on Jerry Springer just a tad so I could hear myself think over the young floozy wailing because she just found out that NONE of the 4 boys she accused of being her baby ’s daddy were in fact the baby’s daddy. As I was attempting to keep my mind on fitness and off the Double Stuf Oreos hollering at me from the pantry, my young daughter approached me and firmly said, “Mama, poo poo! Boo Boo go bath!!” It occurred to me at that moment that I wasn’t being the lazy bonbon-eating mom I feared after all! I am potty training!!! Do you realize the significance of this? I mean I truly believe that fitness experts worldwide could use this as a platform for parents of young children everywhere!
Look at what I mean:
My 23 month-old comes to me saying, “Poo poo! Boo Boo go bath!” which means I’m a little behind in my fitness program already as the deed has already been done. My child is smart enough to know that a big enough…uh, deposit…will require splashy time in the bath. So it begins.
Missed the “I gotta poo face” Must now Administer Bath Fitness Steps:
1. I must now descend from my sitting position and LIFT my child.
2. Carry child up 17 steps to her room.
3. Lower child to changing table and remove diaper
4. Realize you left the wipes downstairs and RUN to get them before said child falls from table, busting lip
5. Wipe as much poo as possible.
6. Carry child to bathroom and begin running water.
7. As water runs child will then pee on bathroom floor. Run downstairs to get your mop.
8. Place child in bathtub and begin bathing process.
9. As child bathes, begin bending and reaching as you attempt to keep as much of the bathroom dry as possible.
10. Since the bathtub is now completely depleted of water from splashing there is no need to drain. Remove child from tub. Be sure to bend at the knees and not the waist.
11. Realize your towel is already drenched from keeping bathroom dry and turn (not so quickly as to pull something) to get a fresh towel from linen closet.
12. When you turn back around you will find that your child has bolted to her big sister’s room. RUN after her.
13. When you reach your child you find she has already had enough time to spray the Britany Spears perfume all over herself and has used her sister’s lipstick to color Elmo on the wall. Run back downstairs to get your “Magic Eraser”…I think Clorox makes them.
14. Begin scrubbing off the lipstick. Make sure to wipe the sweat that is now dripping into your eyes off with a clean towel and not your fingers. That Clorox burns like heck!!!
15. Realize in all your efforts to get your oldest child’s room free of the Lipstick Elmo, your toddler has long been banging around in your teenager’s bathroom. RUN!
16. You now find that tampons make wonderful kazoos and mini pads actually make quite decorative wallpaper. Spend the next 10 minutes fishing tampons out of the toilet, gathering up the “kazoos”, and peeling Kotex off the cabinet doors and walls.
17. This time you are smart and keep the toddler with you. Proudly glance over at her…only to see that she just pooped all over the bathroom floor.
18. Jump up and down in frustration.
19. After you repeat steps 1 through 18, grab a damn diaper already!!!! Take a few deep breaths to cool down.
Now, do you see where I’m going with this? And this is just the beginning! Think of all the exercise involved in, “Mommy! Mommy! I gotta pee! Carry me!” Just consider how many muscle groups you are working, carrying, bending, wiping, standing…the list goes on and on. And the most exciting part about it is that it never ends! At least not for months and months! And by the time you have one kid trained, it’ll be time to start on the next.
I really think I’m on to something here. Now excuse me while I Google publishers…I feel a “how to” book coming on!
It sounds familiar and I am not laughing at all !!!
When I had two children, a baby and 2,5 years old, we had also
two floors at our home and bath room was upstairs. It was just, how she writes.
But your daughter is an excellent writer, her style to see a situation is just right - take a humour with you, you get energy to run!
And I can confess, I am smiling, and I wish all the best to your daughter`s exercises.
Hi Leena. It gave me a laugh. She has always had a good sense of humor and should write more of here experiences with the young ones.
I see that weather in Finland is becoming more warmer each day. I hope you are enjoying each day.
dear don ray and leena,
you say write more!
i am sure that was written after carson’s 2am wake-up!
they are so beautiful and olivia looks so grown up in that
pic with carson! aha but mamasita tells a story of a typical
bright and”think out of the bun” two year old. treasure
these moments they are fleeting frustating and fun.lol
ellen
Hi Ellen. Yes you are correct. Those are moments to be remembered. Olivia is growing up fast as all children do.
Hi John. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment.
There is no need to worry about seeing “hate” in a Panamanian’s eyes because you are a gringo. Panamanians are smart and judge each and every person separately, as you would want them to. If you greet them with a smile and a pleasant greeting, then you will receive the same in return. Bottom line is treat others like you want to be treated.
I have never heard anyone from Boquete or the surrounding area talking badly about those that lived in any of the new developments. I must also qualify my comments some, since I haven’t lived there in Boquete in over two years. When I moved to Boquete in 2003 there was only one real development and the residents of the development were not portrayed badly, but at that time the developer was not spoken well of.
When I asked about the development and what the locals thought, they typically spoke about the builder who was not well liked from what I heard. As I understood it, this was based mostly on the developer’s perceived treatment of employees. It was said that it was typical for people to be employed and to have work until the time when social security was mandated and then the employees would be released. This was told to me often and many times in harsh tones. Whether the practice was true or not I have no idea, but when there is enough smoke there must be some reason.
I also heard comments that gringos were driving up costs. Now the emphasis at time was not only on property, but also on the cost of labor. It seems that many gringos were too ready to pay higher than the going rates and that was perceived as having a negative effect for everyone.
Panama is a great place to be. You just have to realize you are in a developing country and it will take a little time to adjust to the differences. You have to understand that each day is a new day. Some days you will enjoy fully. Some days will be a pain. Most things happen much slower here. Schedules slip (this is almost a constant). Products you saw yesterday in PriceSmart will not be there today when you go to buy them and may never return.
Some people adjust to the different pace and would never want to leave. Some people can’t adjust and are miserable and make others miserable also.