The Twelve Days Of Christmas
Dec 11th, 2006 by Don Ray
I know that the twelve days of Christmas symbolizes love at this time of year. A few years ago I received an email which provided a little different view of giving and the effect that too much creativity can have.
My disclaimer is that I am presenting this as it was sent to me and it contains language that you may find offensive. With that warning, here are the twelve days of Christmas letters.
Day one letter:
December 13, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Day two letter:
December 14, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves. I am just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
With all my love,
Agnes
Day three letter:
December 15, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Day four letter:
December 16, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really - they are just beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Day five letter:
December 17, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings - one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Day six letter:
December 18, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese alaying on my front steps. So you’re back on to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.
PLEASE STOP!!
Cordially,
Agnes
Day seven letter:
December 19, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Dear John,
What’s with you and those fucking birds??? Seven swans aswimming. What kind of God Damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and am a nervous wreck - it’s not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Day eight letter:
December 20, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969O.K. Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids amilking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids amilking - but they had to bring their God Damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
Day nine letter:
December 21, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Hey Shithead,
What are you - some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over all those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours,
Agnes
Day ten letter:
December 22, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969You Rotten Prick!
Now, there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They have been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of the building has summoned me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m siccing the police on you.
One who means it,
Agnes
Day eleven letter:
December 243, 2000
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado 26969Listen Fuckhead,
What’s with the 11 lords aleaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead - they’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Day twelve letter:
December 24, 2000
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
3030 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois 29696Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
